yep, that's me
/>

So this is a small gift I bought myself to celebrate my survival of the grief workshop. It’s a replica of a cheap pre-WWII guitar, known particularly for its beautifully authentic blues tone.

For those of you who don’t know me that well, I’ve been playing the guitar since I was about 15, and these days I mostly play fingerstyle blues along with some old soul, R&B, and general Americana.

I felt it was appropriate to reward myself for a job well done after slaving away in the grief workshop for so long, and a shiny new guitar seemed like a reasonable way to do so, in a very life-affirming sort of way.

It was cheap (made in China––now with more lead!) but it plays beautifully and sounds incredibly true to its very expensive, and highly difficult-to-find predecessors.

It’s high time to work out some new tunes with my sister (hi Kiz!) as music has always been a large part of my life, but was unfortunately something I pretty much had to give up while taking care of my lovely wife Lori.

Playing the guitar has been a large part of my recovery over the last six months, and it feels good to be getting back to it again.

Hope you are all well,

–Cary

it wasn’t as bad as i expected.

spent the day with family and friends, and my mother made biscuits & gravy in honor of lori (it was one of my wife’s favorite breakfast dishes.)

in the afternoon we spent an hour or so out at the local watergardening store (flora tropicana,) and i bought two new koi to put in my pond.

i have dubbed the sparkly orange and black one “sweetpea,” in honor of lori as well.

she always loved feeding the fishes in our little pond.

overall it was a lovely, if quite emotional day for me, and i was happy to be surrounded by close friends.

spent the rest of the weekend doing work in the garden, and generally enjoying our first real summerish weather (uggh, in April!)

lori’s rose bush is now huge and overflowing with beautiful blooms, and the gladiolas i planted in her memory are now bursting from the soil.

some of my three-year-old bamboo is now reaching 15-feet tall, and all over the yard flowers are showing off their stuff… we’ve got bees, butterflies, hummingbirds, robins, scrubjays, and lots of squirrels.

oh, and for those of you who have been worried by my lack of writing here, please don’t be… i promise to let you know if i take a turn for the worse, but right now i simply don’t have the need to purge my pain in writing like i did right after lori passed.

the reality is that i’m moving forward with my life, and while it’s not ALL wine and roses, i am happy to report that i am still having more good days than bad.

and after a few bumps and bruises and i am finally stabilizing on half my previous prozac dose… in another month or so i will cut it in half again.

talk to ya’ soon………

prozac
Original work by jpatrickmoya
Click photo for larger view.

yay… for a little over a week I have been tapering off of my admittedly minor Prozac dose, and so far I feel fantastic.

I won’t go into details here, but let’s just say this wonder drug was having some annoying side-effects, and with my Grief Workshop finally behind me I figure it’s time I tried going it alone.

Of course, after kicking Ativan the hard way, I’m taking this one nice and slow, and probably won’t be completely Prozac-free for another two months, but I should have my dose cut in half by this time next week.

Here’s hoping my new-found happiness is truly the payoff from my grief work, and not just the late effects of a miraculous “happy pill!”

So far, so good… keep your fingers crossed with me!

cary and ruby
Original work by Gaela
Click photo for larger view.

things are good. the grief workshop is over, and it feels wonderful to be getting back to living again.

the dogs keep me oh so busy. they are used to lori being home all day, so by the time i get back from work in the evening they are all over me.

and all over my friends.

and all over each other.

it’s a super-hyper, drooling, hairy pooch fest around my house pretty much each and every night. anyway, they keep the love pouring in, and i certainly can’t complain about that.

today feels wonderful. the potluck was delicious, but it was hard to say goodbye to all of my new friends in the workshop. we agreed to have a BBQ in a couple of months, to check in on each other and just spend some time hanging out *outside* of our grief.

i’m really looking forward to that.

also, the next grief workshop starts in three weeks (April 29th,) and i’ve agreed to chair the first meeting.

i’ve gotten so much out of my work in the workshop, and i felt it was the least i could do to give back to this amazing organization.

anyway, back to work, and bless you all… have a happy wednesday… -cary

Cary’s New Toy
Original work by Umpqua
Click photo for larger view.

wow… i can hardly believe that 14-weeks has passed since i started participating in the grief workshop. it really does seem like a lifetime ago.

i am dog tired today, and i wish i didn’t have to drive all the way up there, but of course i’m looking forward to seeing everybody one last time, and celebrating our accomplishments.

it’s a potluck tonight, and i didn’t feel much like cooking anything so i bought a nice big piece of brie and some delicious crackers to contribute to the festivities.

i’m also planning on meeting my father and stepmother for coffee before the meeting, which should be really nice, since i haven’t seen them since they left for Mexico back in late February.

anyway, wish i could just go home and sleep, but i’m looking forward to having this thing done already!

great workshop, but i’m feeling SOOOOOO ready to move forward in my life.

i love you so much lori. thanks for helping me get through this terrible time.

i will always carry you in my heart, where it is safe and warm, and you can be surrounded by love.

but it’s time for me to let go, and learn to fly again.

i’m really looking forward to it.

bless you all… cary

Me at the Grief Workshop
Original work by { cary }
Click photo for larger view.

believe it or not, this is where a whole lot of the hard grief-work was done over the last 13 weeks.

on a cubicle floor.

this is actually the scene from this week’s reading of the “completion letter,” and in spite of its mundane nature, this quiet little spot has seen some really nasty, painful times.

note the nice candle, photo of Lori, and yet another iced latte.

we were encouraged to bring a photo so we could really read the letter right to the person it was meant for.

amazing experience, but i sure am glad it’s over… i’m really starting to breathe again, and yeah, i’m waking up with a smile on my face, which is something i haven’t felt in a long, long time.

looking forward to a relaxing weekend in the garden, with a guitar in one hand, and a trowel in the other, and perhaps a few friends to laugh and be silly with…