inspired by a quiet conversation last night…
I’d like to send out a big, warm thank you to all the kind folks who’ve written me recently to make sure I’m OK… I know, I haven’t been posting as much as usual, and I suppose that makes people worry.
But there’s no need. I am doing well.
I appreciate you looking out for me, though.
Tomorrow marks the 12th meeting of our 14-week grief workshop, and I have to tell you that it has been a life-changing experience for me… there have been some wonderful highs, and some dangerous lows, but more than anything, the process I’ve been working through has gently, but firmly, lightened the load on my terribly taxed heart.
For the first three months after Lori passed away, I found myself crying all day long, every day, with very little rest.
It was the accumulation of five years worth of pain, fear, and anxiety finally finding its way out of my closed-up system, and it seriously hurt like hell. I hope I never have to go through something like that again.
But then I found my brave group of fellow-grievers, and I settled into the long, hard slog of digging deep into my pain, and exposing every nasty little thing that was hidden there.
Every word left unsaid.
Every “Thank You” never spoken.
Every “I’m sorry” never expressed.
.
I spent long weeks re-tracing the fearful route that terminal cancer had taken across the body of my loved one, through my very heart, and into the soft, warm, quiet center of my soul.
I re-lived some five years’ worth of psychological trauma––
Echoes of pain and suffering I was helpless to relieve.
Visions of breathing machines, and hospital beds, and endless agonizing nights in the ER.
I re-lived the diagnosis, the progression, and the final release from suffering.
And I kissed that fucking disease goodbye.
.
So yes, I am fine.
And no, I suppose I’ll never be the same person I was before cancer.
But I’m better for having known and loved Lori.
For having lived through the long night of despair.
For having faced my worst fear, and lived to smile yet another day.
.
Yes, smile.
I have more good days than bad days now.
And I know that Lori is smiling for me too…
so glad you posted this. was wondering where you were….
Hi Cary,
Nice to see you here.
Let’s get together soon! I work on Saturday and there’s the regional Barista Competition in Berkeley on Sunday I was thinking of watching but that is optional….maybe we could do something together. The weather has been so gorgeous!
Love,
Kizzy
Cary so touching your words, know they were truly spoken from your heart, I could just feel your speaking. The grief workshop has been a start in the right direction for you. No one can know all you’ve been through, no one should have to go through what Lori had to deal with or you as her husband. Glad you are having more good days than bad now, you’ll have your downer days again, just glad to see you are able to see a start towards one day having peace in your heart again. Know your Lori would want that for you. Take care.
Thank you everyone
And Arlene, I already feel peace in my heart… yes, there will be more bad days ahead, but I have worked hard to put the worst of it behind me, and it has finally begun to pay off–with peace of mind, peace of heart, and a gratefulness for every day I have before me.
I’m letting go of cancer now.
Goodbye cancer.
Goodbye………
Cary,
I’ve been reading for a long time, lurking. But I just wanted to say how wonderful it is to finally watch your heart start to heal. And that you are smiling. Lori would have wanted this for you. You should be damned proud of yourself.
Cary -
I think of you each day from a long distance, a friend who I have never met - at least thats ho I consider you, you helped me when I needed it and I will be forever grateful.
I am pleased you have reached this place, I feel the same thoughts and pain from a different angle - I recognise your words and feel the same things deep in my heart fron my own battle.
Keep smiling, enjoy all the good days and live life to the full - for Lori and yourself.
Much love, you are always in my thoughts
Lisa in England xxx
This entry made me cry and smile. I am very happy to hear you are re-emerging with the spring.
I am sitting here smiling.
Thank you for the hard work you have done and the wonderful way that you have shared it.
love
D
Cary
The way you are willing to face life head on is amazing. The workshop sounds like it has been pretty grueling and yet you stayed with it. I know Lori will find peace in your finding peace.
Flo
cool. very cool.